cloud 9 spa salon

I think� that I am a terrible person. I practically lived on hate and anger for three or four years. How could I not be a terrible person? Even if I wasnapos;t before that, how could I come out of something like that without having become terrible.
I just stopped and looked up terrible in a dictionary. I want to be sure I am using the right word. I thought that terrible has other meanings that donapos;t apply to me. I was right.
ter-ri-ble [ter-uh-buhl]
�� -adjective
�� 1. Distressing; severe: a terrible winter
�� 2. Extremely bad; horrible: terrible coffee; a terrible movie
�� 3. Exciting terror, awe, or great fear; dreadful; awful
�� 4. Formidably great:� a terrible responsibility

I thought that I had found some synonyms that worked better. Ghastly was one, mostly because one of itapos;s listed meanings is "resembling a ghost." Which is quite accurate, Iapos;m not one of� those people you just go up to and talk to. You either donapos;t notice me or you do and pretend like you didnapos;t. But it just doesnapos;t work out right due to the inclusion of "terrible" as one of its meanings. But I found one that works quite well.

con-tempt-i-ble [kuhn-temp-tuh-buhl]
�� -adjective
�� 1. Deserving of or held in contempt; despicable.
�� 2. obsolete.�Contemptuous

The inclusion of obsolete was unexpected and contributed to my decision to use this word.

I am contemptible.

I think it works. I am deserving of and held in contempt. I am obsolete.
Mostly I guess this is all in reference to her. I really am worthy of her contempt, I let her down so badly. I wasnapos;t there when I should have been. I guess, as much as I try to convince myself otherwise, she was right in ending it. I just realized that this makes it sound like she killed herself. She wouldnapos;t do that. Especially not over me. Especially not over me. In the end she was just disappointed in me, she didnapos;t/doesnapos;t seem angry about anything that happened just disappointed. It hurts doubly because of this. It hurts because it seems like none of what came before matters/mattered at all to her. It makes me feel like it didnapos;t happen, like it was all just me deluding myself. I just realized that "obsolete" in the definition doesnapos;t mean that contemptible means obsolete, but that the meaning contemptuous is obsolete in reference to contemptible. Oh well. I guess Iapos;ll just have to include obsolete separately. I am contemptible and obsolete. But I digress, the other way it hurts is that it makes me feel worthless, like I am of such little consequence that she couldnapos;t be bothered to be angry that I fucked things up. I guess thatapos;s not so different from the first way. Iapos;m bad at figuring things like this out.

Its literally been months and Iapos;m still not over it. I thought I was. I decided to test it. It turns out that Iapos;m not over it at all. Not at all. It was like everything happened over again but in the space of a couple hours. Even if I had been getting over her. I shouldnapos;t be calling it "it" it should be her. Not that I need to force myself to acknowledge her humanity, but because its not the relationship that I canapos;t get over. Its her I canapos;t get over. Once again I digress, testing to see if I was over her was a bad idea. Even if I had been getting over her, its like Iapos;ve ripped the scab off and destroyed any progress. I guess tearing off a scab is an accurate metaphor, every time Iapos;ve torn it off (that wasnapos;t the first time) I just made the permanent damage, the scarring, worse than it had to be. Iapos;ve changed my mind, I donapos;t like the scabbed over wound as a metaphor. It makes it sound, I donapos;t know, it makes what came before sound bad, or painful or like I wish nothing had ever happened. I think it makes it sound like I regret everything involving her. I donapos;t. I only regret leaving her alone. I hope she isnapos;t alone now. I hope she feels better. If she doesnapos;t that would make everything even worse. On top of me feeling shitty I would know that she doesnapos;t feel any better and that there is nothing I can do to help. Iapos;m so tired of being powerless. I feel powerless all the time. Iapos;m not even talking about having the power to make a huge impact, to make a difference. I just wish I had the power to make a tiny difference, to make a dent, a ding even. But I canapos;t. I canapos;t do anything. And any chance I have, I fuck up. Which leads me back to her. Everything seems to lead back to her now. It kills me that everything leads back to her. Not only do I have to think about her which hurts, but I have to confront my pathetic, contemptible, obsolete self because my mind revolves around a girl that only responds to things I say.

She has nothing to say to me, I am an empty shell to her. How can I refute that? How can I say that isnapos;t true when I trust her, she is intelligent, she is insightful, she is great with people. I am none of that. How can I possible refute her when she knows so much better than I? Iapos;m not being sarcastic, this is how it is. So I am left to face my own horrifyingly abysmal self. But it seems that I am abysmal in the worst sense, I am abysmal because there is no point to look into me. I might as well be a kiddy pool for all the depth I offer. Barely enough to get your feet wet. Not even worth the effort to dry your toes off afterwords.�

Thus I send off my thoughts into the vast internet instead of a notebook in my room. I hope that by putting these thoughts out into this ocean of 1s and 0s that the knowledge that someone may stumble upon it will in some strange way help me deal with this in some unforeseen way.

I doubt it.

Everyday I feel more and more like Iapos;m not going to get over her, Iapos;m just going to get used to missing her.



daihatsu charade gt, cloud 9 spa salon, cloud 9 spa in gainesville florida, cloud 9 spa in gainesville fl, cloud 9 spa in gainesville.