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Ontem meu tio, Dr. Silvio Carvalhal, decidiu que era hora de partir. Morreu, com a dignidade e sobriedade com a qual viveu. Exerceu o direito m�ximo de arbitrar o momento para isso.

Minha m�e contou agora alguns detalhes que soube sobre sua partida. Sobre como pediu que desligassem o oxig�nio que tanto o ldquo;incomodavardquo;. Viver devia estar sendo um fardo muito chato para algu�m como ele, que fez da vida uma arte profunda, incompat�vel com um corpo que j� n�o funcionava como uma ferramenta eficiente.

Silvio Carvalhal n�o era meu parente de sangue. Foi casado com uma das irm�s mais velhas de meu pai, tia Landi. Meu tio amou minha tia a ponto de fazer concess�es que eu jamais faria por um ser vivo. At� o fim dos dias dela, que faleceu aos 80 anos, quando eu estava em Gainesville.

Tive mais proximidade com esse tio ldquo;in lawrdquo; do que com outros de sangue. Durante um projeto de pesquisa, quando eu era uma acad�mica, sobre a Hist�ria da Doen�a de Chagas, eu o entrevistei. Silvio Carvalhal foi um cardiologista importante e pioneiro no estudo desta patologia, cujo efeito mais desabilitante � justamente a cardiopatia chag�sica. Formou centenas de estudantes e dezenas de bons pesquisadores. Influenciou uma gera�o de cientistas.

Mas n�o embarcava em ldquo;ego tripsrdquo;. Eu s� sei quem ele realmente foi porque minha pesquisa me apresentou ao personagem Silvio Carvalhal. Seria educativo aos jovens excessivamente conscientes de seus incipientes talentos intelectuais ter conhecido Silvio Carvalhal. Poderiam adquirir, assim, um senso de rid�culo sobre arrog�ncia e orgulho do pouqu�ssimo que todos sabemos, e tamb�m para aprender a ter admira�o pelo desconhecido.

N�o tenho o privil�gio de trazer nas veias o sangue dele, mas tenho orgulho de ter conhecido de perto este grande homem, que certamente me influenciou. N�o choro sua morte, porque foi uma morte decidida por uma mente s�bria e racional. Ele morava em Campinas, de modo que nos v�amos pouco, e nas �ltimas ocasi�es ele j� estava cansado de muitas palavras. Me abra�ava e sorria, como quem j� tivesse dito o suficiente. E � verdade: avessa que sou a esses encontros coletivos em que se troca quase nada e se comunica apenas a ang�stia da incomunicabilidade, ele estava certo.

A partir de ontem, tio Silvio se tornou uma daquelas estrelas que brilha no meu c�u de guias, junto com minha av� Maria de Freitas, Jos� Vicente Martins Campos e Marilda Sawaya. Com minha av� tio Silvio partilhou a decis�o de partir. Com os outros tr�s, a dignidade, coragem e for�a de viver como guerreiro num mundo de minhocas.

�

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I think� that I am a terrible person. I practically lived on hate and anger for three or four years. How could I not be a terrible person? Even if I wasnapos;t before that, how could I come out of something like that without having become terrible.
I just stopped and looked up terrible in a dictionary. I want to be sure I am using the right word. I thought that terrible has other meanings that donapos;t apply to me. I was right.
ter-ri-ble [ter-uh-buhl]
�� -adjective
�� 1. Distressing; severe: a terrible winter
�� 2. Extremely bad; horrible: terrible coffee; a terrible movie
�� 3. Exciting terror, awe, or great fear; dreadful; awful
�� 4. Formidably great:� a terrible responsibility

I thought that I had found some synonyms that worked better. Ghastly was one, mostly because one of itapos;s listed meanings is "resembling a ghost." Which is quite accurate, Iapos;m not one of� those people you just go up to and talk to. You either donapos;t notice me or you do and pretend like you didnapos;t. But it just doesnapos;t work out right due to the inclusion of "terrible" as one of its meanings. But I found one that works quite well.

con-tempt-i-ble [kuhn-temp-tuh-buhl]
�� -adjective
�� 1. Deserving of or held in contempt; despicable.
�� 2. obsolete.�Contemptuous

The inclusion of obsolete was unexpected and contributed to my decision to use this word.

I am contemptible.

I think it works. I am deserving of and held in contempt. I am obsolete.
Mostly I guess this is all in reference to her. I really am worthy of her contempt, I let her down so badly. I wasnapos;t there when I should have been. I guess, as much as I try to convince myself otherwise, she was right in ending it. I just realized that this makes it sound like she killed herself. She wouldnapos;t do that. Especially not over me. Especially not over me. In the end she was just disappointed in me, she didnapos;t/doesnapos;t seem angry about anything that happened just disappointed. It hurts doubly because of this. It hurts because it seems like none of what came before matters/mattered at all to her. It makes me feel like it didnapos;t happen, like it was all just me deluding myself. I just realized that "obsolete" in the definition doesnapos;t mean that contemptible means obsolete, but that the meaning contemptuous is obsolete in reference to contemptible. Oh well. I guess Iapos;ll just have to include obsolete separately. I am contemptible and obsolete. But I digress, the other way it hurts is that it makes me feel worthless, like I am of such little consequence that she couldnapos;t be bothered to be angry that I fucked things up. I guess thatapos;s not so different from the first way. Iapos;m bad at figuring things like this out.

Its literally been months and Iapos;m still not over it. I thought I was. I decided to test it. It turns out that Iapos;m not over it at all. Not at all. It was like everything happened over again but in the space of a couple hours. Even if I had been getting over her. I shouldnapos;t be calling it "it" it should be her. Not that I need to force myself to acknowledge her humanity, but because its not the relationship that I canapos;t get over. Its her I canapos;t get over. Once again I digress, testing to see if I was over her was a bad idea. Even if I had been getting over her, its like Iapos;ve ripped the scab off and destroyed any progress. I guess tearing off a scab is an accurate metaphor, every time Iapos;ve torn it off (that wasnapos;t the first time) I just made the permanent damage, the scarring, worse than it had to be. Iapos;ve changed my mind, I donapos;t like the scabbed over wound as a metaphor. It makes it sound, I donapos;t know, it makes what came before sound bad, or painful or like I wish nothing had ever happened. I think it makes it sound like I regret everything involving her. I donapos;t. I only regret leaving her alone. I hope she isnapos;t alone now. I hope she feels better. If she doesnapos;t that would make everything even worse. On top of me feeling shitty I would know that she doesnapos;t feel any better and that there is nothing I can do to help. Iapos;m so tired of being powerless. I feel powerless all the time. Iapos;m not even talking about having the power to make a huge impact, to make a difference. I just wish I had the power to make a tiny difference, to make a dent, a ding even. But I canapos;t. I canapos;t do anything. And any chance I have, I fuck up. Which leads me back to her. Everything seems to lead back to her now. It kills me that everything leads back to her. Not only do I have to think about her which hurts, but I have to confront my pathetic, contemptible, obsolete self because my mind revolves around a girl that only responds to things I say.

She has nothing to say to me, I am an empty shell to her. How can I refute that? How can I say that isnapos;t true when I trust her, she is intelligent, she is insightful, she is great with people. I am none of that. How can I possible refute her when she knows so much better than I? Iapos;m not being sarcastic, this is how it is. So I am left to face my own horrifyingly abysmal self. But it seems that I am abysmal in the worst sense, I am abysmal because there is no point to look into me. I might as well be a kiddy pool for all the depth I offer. Barely enough to get your feet wet. Not even worth the effort to dry your toes off afterwords.�

Thus I send off my thoughts into the vast internet instead of a notebook in my room. I hope that by putting these thoughts out into this ocean of 1s and 0s that the knowledge that someone may stumble upon it will in some strange way help me deal with this in some unforeseen way.

I doubt it.

Everyday I feel more and more like Iapos;m not going to get over her, Iapos;m just going to get used to missing her.



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Hello, everyone I see quite a few new faces so I bid you all welcome. I am Belldandy, Goddess first class unrestricted. I hope to meet you all.

Impressed with all the selflessness, despite a few who are far from, the Almighty One has approved more wishes. However, the wish still has to be processed through Yggdrasil in order to create a valid contract, so there is no guarantee, but there are rare selfless wishes that are denied.

I pray that I can make you all happy.

Oh, and to those that have already wished once, there was a crash in the system not to long ago, so contracts fulfilled within the past six months have been voided. Most others have been reinstated, but minor ones were not backed up. Feel free to wish again if you desire to. The Almighty One has already approved it.

I look forward to aiding you.

One stipulation that I continuously neglect: the wish cannot involve anything that would negate my current long-term contract or me leaving against my will in any way. Thank you.

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Well I made it through and it was...really not bad. My surgery was at 10:30 this morning and I can see pretty darn well already. There is a lot of upkeep for my eyes for the next two weeks, multiple eye drops and such. The biggest pain is I canapos;t wear any eye makeup for TWO weeks. I donapos;t think I have gone that long without eye makeup since I was twelve. But it will be worth it. I have to go back the dr. Tomorrow at 11:00am so he can check the wound flaps and register what my vision is. It will gradually change and then stabilize over the next month. But as of right now, I can see really well except for halos around lights which is supposed to go away in a couple of days. Surprising this is I may not need reading glasses all the time. Except for really fine print I can read pretty well. I realize that my vision still has some changing to do but so far it is great. It is a really weird surgery. I was really nervous but they give you valium before the surgery so that you will be relaxed and less likely to move. The only really uncomfortable part was the "eye stretchers". They use a really strong tape type stuff and I had a reaction to the adhesive so my eyelids are red and irritated. For the most part the eyes felt dry and scratchy for the first few hours and with the various eye drops I have to use...they feel fine now. For now it is back to sleep for the night early. They sent me home with two doses of Dalmane to put me to sleep. The doc said sleeping a lot the first 12-18 hours helps speed the recovery time and the healing process.

So all in all it was a really ok procedure to live through. The next two weeks will really determine how successful the surgery is but so far...it rocks to be able to see without glasses:)

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One very basic fact has been overlooked in the GOP adoration for Joe the Plumber, and that is the tax difference between gross receipts and taxable income.

Obama proposes to raise the tax rate on individual net incomes over $250,000. In order for Joe the Plumber to fall into that category, his Subchapter S business (when a taxpayer pays business income tax on their individual tax return instead of a business tax return) would have to have sales of at least $2.5 million, assuming a respectable (yet not always attainable)10 profit margin. Bottom line: itapos;s the bottom line that is taxed, not the top line.

Besides, if Joeapos;s business was large enough to generate $250,000 of taxable income, heapos;d be a fool to not have organized it as its own taxable entity, either� partnership or corporation.

What is more likely is that Joeapos;s business has $250,000 in sales. In that case, he might actually generate $25,000 in taxable income. Sorry, McCain-- Obamaapos;s tax plan would reduce Joeapos;s taxes.





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LONDON, October 17, 2008 (AFP) - Amnesty International on Friday welcomed Iran's decision to stop executions of child offenders and expressed the hope that Tehran would ban capital punishment altogether. Iran's assistant attorney general Hossein Zebhi said on Wednesday that all courts in the Islamic republic were ordered to stop executing offenders under the age of 18, state news agency IRNA reported.

In a statement, the London-based human rights group urged Iran's parliament to pass legislation to enshrine the directive into law quickly.

"Amnesty International welcomes the announcement and hopes that it will pave the way to a complete abolition of the death penalty in Iran," it said.

"It calls for the legislation and implementation to adhere to the Convention on the Rights of the Child, to which Iran is a state party, and prohibits life imprisonment without the possibility of release for offences committed by persons below 18 years of age."

According to Amnesty, Iran is the only country in the world known to have executed a juvenile offender in 2008.

Iran executes juvenile offenders once they turn 18 and Amnesty said the country had hanged six such offenders this year.

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